I’m aware this may be trite, specially coming from me; not a situation you wouldn’t ever imagine, not impossible, but still… A sense of duty… of just leaving a record of this. I feel I must express this in the most objective way I can despite my limitations using the English language —which is not my natural language—, while hiding this information from the people I know so I don’t make them worried or upset without a real cause: there’s nothing these people can do. It’s just a question of time before I leave this brainwave, it’s ok.
I’m suddenly having a drug-addict world-view in which I abandon myself to [something], being a recluse, lights turned off, etc. But I gladly retain a sense of duty: I’m still pragmatic, sincere and using the literal meaning of words and symbols. My nervous system: blackened, some parts of it seem like made of ashes, God wouldn’t want it, some of that harm was, maybe, self inflicted from years of —not drug abuse nor physical exhaustion, not too much alcohol— just living in a state of confusion, not figuring a way out of this current into a more healthy one. I’m feeling a feverish state of mind, a sickness of the nervous system, of the brain, confusion, reality doesn’t feel real, lack of discernment, no motivation, constant typos (but I correct them right away), dreams —this is the main problem, I feel— with leitmotifs that repeat again and again or translate into different forms with the same essence. I’m living like in those dreams; it’s hard to focus on one thing and finish it, my brain focuses on one thing and then another. I dreamed I was juggling some balls —each ball was a task— and I couldn’t focus on the balls or make a sequence with them. I tried to focus on the task “juggling” but it didn’t work.
The purpose of this is to just finish a thought, whatever it is; just type it.
A nasty thing is: I feel I’m faking everything. I feel ashamed, like I’m still a teenager; exaggerating. Something tells me “it’s not that hard, you just have to man the fuck up” and it’s right, it’s just a question of time before I get some non-tiresome dreams. What is causing this? This is important. I don’t know if it’s something from the inside or something that came from the outside.
In this uncertainty the only useful thing is to be aware of the facts and avoid any judgment or interpretation. The really objective things I wrote are the symptoms and the dream listed above. In the future I’ll figure out what happened.